The Birds, the Bees and Rose
by RicardianScholar Clark-Weasley
Summary: the Casson Family face their biggest nightmare yet. to give sixteen year old Rose the sex talk. with sock puppets and books and whiskey they might just manage it...or just ask Mrs Warbeck's help.


When Rose turned sixteen the Casson family faced their biggest battle yet. To give her the sex talk. It was a realisation that Caddy never got one and ended up having a baby before marriage, Saffy never got one and rarely interacted with boys, and Indigo probably got one but no one was sure. Bill also remembered Rose claiming that she knew the facts of life but didn't believe in them when she was eight.

Therefore after a quick family meeting without Rose, it had been decided that Rose will receive the talk and Bill would be the one to do it.

Taking a large gulp of whiskey for courage, Bill turned to face Rose. "Now, Rosie Pose, as you know when a paintbrush and paint pot gets together they make paintings..." another gulp of whiskey. He had a good start but he didn't know where to go from there. "Erm...but...ah...Eve Darling, could you help me?"

"Hmm...? What was that darling?" Eve said looking up from her Young Offender's paintings.

"I'm trying to get across to Rose about the birds and the bees" Bill said pouring another glass of whiskey.

"What about the birds and the bees?" Eve asked. "We don't have hives and nests again, do you we darling? I remember Saffy being pecked to death because she pushed the birds nest and the poor children suffered stings for weeks until we got rid off that bee hive"

"Not those birds and bees, Eve Darling. The other birds and the bees, you know the talk every parent needs to give to their child"

Eve blinked and then she smiled. "Oh yes, that one. Rose Darling, if you ever spend a night with a boy. _Do_ make sure you remember his name"

Bill skipped the glass and drank straight from the bottle.

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"Darling Rose!" Caddy said as she bounced two year old Marigold on her hip, shifted newly born Charlie in one arm and kept an eye on Buttercup who was immediately in Rose's arms hugging her. "How are you? How's school? Met any handsome boys? Any new art work?"

"I'm fine. School is boring and useless. No. And I'm working on something but I won't show it until it's ready"

"Lovely, lovely. Darling Michael says hello but he had to work today; he'll come for dinner tomorrow though. You are cooking or is it Dad? Just as long it's not Mum, she gave poor Darling Michael food poisoning the last time"

"Ant Wosie!" Buttercup lisped. "Mummy has brought you something"

"Aunt Rose, Buttercup Darling – I really must stop calling you that – and I was going to tell Rosie Pose not you!" Caddy handed Charlie to Rose and sat Marigold on the bed before she started going through her bag. "No, no, no, oh why is this in here? No, aha! Here it is. Here you go Rose"

Rose looked unimpressed at the so called present. "A book" she said flatly. "I thought we've gotten past the stage of everyone forcing me to read"

"Oh no, this is a special book that all girls should have. I brought it myself back when I was your age, it explained so much. I know you're going through a tough time with all those mixed up feelings and this will help"

"_Your Precious Gift_" Rose read aloud, she then snickered at the title. "I'll take your word for it Caddy"

"Don't laugh! It is very useful, just read it and we'll have a lovely talk, you, me, Saffy, Sarah and Mum"

"All right" Rose shrugged, unbothered.

Until she noticed Buttercup and Marigold ripping one of her sketchpads.

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The next day Caddy came back childless. "I left them with Luke, he was eager to see them (though not me, I don't think he has ever forgiven me for breaking poor Darling Michael's heart) and I thought it was best to let you have time to cool down. The babies are sorry Rose, they drew you lots of pictures"

Rose accepted the pictures and began to flip through them. Caddy could tell from the slight twitch in her little sister's cheek that she was trying hard to not criticise them. When it came to art, Rose was a perfectionist and only the likes of Michelangelo could impress her.

"So did you read the book?" Caddy asked.

"I read a bit of it. But it was so sickly and yucky that I ended up having Indigo burn it in our fire last night"

"ROSE!" Caddy cried out. "How could you? That was my book!"

"It was a stupid book. Even Twilight was better than that and that was a load of-"

"Don't you start insulting lovely, lovely Edward and lovely, lovely Jacob. I won't be able to bear it! And Your Precious Gift is a very thoughtful book for girls reaching_ that_ age"

"The thing I don't get, is what age are you on about?"

"Ah...Indigo! Indy Darling, tell Rose about that age and the birds and the bees and precious gifts"

Indigo (who just came in to grab his jacket) looked horrified. "Well...err...it's..." he said looking at the door wistfully. "When we get to a certain age we begin...i can't do this! She's my little sister and I'm a guy. I don't do these sorts of talks unless it's with other guys and that's just to say how much we enjoy it! I'm going out with Tom and David, be back before one"

"Ooh, let me go with you!" Rose said jumping up, scattering the scribbles from Buttercup and Marigold on the floor.

"Sorry Rosie Pose but until you can legally drink you can't come"

Rose spent the rest of the evening sulking and ignoring Caddy who kept nattering about the joys of Your Precious Gift.

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Saffy and Sarah sat Rose down at the kitchen table. Indigo was sleeping off his hangover, Caddy was doing god knows what while Bill and Eve were working in the shed. At least they were _hoping_ they were just working.

"Right then Rosie Pose" Sarah's hand said, disguised as some sort of snake. "When a man loves a woman very much-"

"Oh a woman loves a man very much. Or a man loves a man, or a woman loves a woman very much" Saffy's hand interrupted disguised as some sort of sludge coloured snake.

"Saffy, we're not trying to be politically correct here. We're just giving Rose a lecture on relations becoming more...intense"

"What the hell are those supposed to be?" Rose demanded.

"Sock puppets" Saffy said grimacing. "Sarah got a part time job keeping children entertained in the art gallery and of course this is her latest project"

"They're hideous"

"Yes thank you, now back to the sock puppets" Sarah said briskly. "Now you see Rosie Pose when a man loves a woman very much he tries to impress her by-"

"Acting very stupid" Saffy interrupted.

"Well I was going to say take her out and treat her like a goddess but that works to" Sarah said.

"I'm sorry but who the hell actually treats us like goddesses? Even Oscar was more absorbed in his stuff than mine and he was one of my better boyfriends"

Sarah blushed. "Yes...well you never dated Indigo, have you?"

Both Saffy and Rose looked disgusted. "He's my brother. That would be revolting" Saffy gagged.

"For you, yes. For me, no. Indy is actually (rather surprisingly if you ask me because sometimes I still can't get the image of the ten year old clinging to his curtains) a very good boyfriend. He respects my space and lets me make most of the decisions. He treats me like a lady but understands I can open my own doors, thank you very much, and he's very romantic"

"I think I just lost my lunch"

"Ha, ha, now back to the sock puppets"

"You mean the piece of sludge that has eyes"

"Rose they're not that bad!"

"Actually, I agree, I think that one is looking down my cleavage"

"Oh I give up! We're not going to get anywhere with this" Sarah said chucking the sock puppet off her hand. She stared at it for a while. "It does look a bit like a piece of sludge" she admitted.

"Where on earth did you find such a revolting colour?"

"I sort of just stole Dad's socks. It's not like he uses them most of the time" Sarah admitted sheepishly. She glanced at Rose who was now at the fridge looking for something to eat. "Well we're getting nowhere on the birds and bees front. I guess it's time to call my mother"

Saffy looked horrified. "Sarah, are you trying to permanently scar Rose? I still haven't gotten over the diagrams"

"I know, I know but someone has to do it and none of us are getting anywhere"

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The next day the family waited anxiously in the living room for Rose to come home from the Warbeck's. Sarah's Mum had invited her over for a private just us two girls lunch where she would give her the talk and explain what her family meant.

It was a little bit after two when the door slammed shut.

"Ah, she's home" Bill said standing up, the living room door was wrenched open before he could even get to it. "Rosie Pose, ho-"

"How fucking stupid do you all think I am?" she snarled.

"Rose! Language" Bill said automatically.

"What do you mean, darling?" Eve asked.

"You sent me to get a sex education! From Sarah's Mum of all people! Do you know how long I had to sit there as she showed me the flipping diagrams?"

"Far too long" Sarah shivered.

"I don't need a sex education from you lot! I had Sex Ed in school last term. Bloody hell how much did you think the school system has changed since you last went? It's only been five years since Indy left, so it hadn't changed that much, trust me. And another thing, something you all seem to need to be aware of, I'm sixteen not eight. I do know about these sorts of things I don't need sock puppets or books written solely in implication or art euphuisms! I have you know I've been on birth control since my sixteenth birthday"

"YOU WHAT?"

"And I've been enjoying a rather active sex life since"

"What?"

"Who with?"

"Since when?"

It was then when Tom had the unfortunate timing to walk into the living room with David and Indigo. "Hey, heard you shouting from up in the attic. Shout just a little louder Permanent Rose and I'm sure even Frances can hear you"

Rose whirled round looking flushed and furious, grabbed hold of Tom's shirt collar and hauled him down for such a vicious snog that it looked (to everyone else) like Rose was eating him.

She then pulled away to breathe only to start dragging Tom upstairs to her bedroom.

It took a moment for everything to sink in.

"PERMANENT ROSE CASSON YOU COME BACK DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!"


End file.
